:::::sigh:::::
This comes from so many, many places.....I'm pretty sure this will be disjointed - because my thoughts are the same way.....
Yesterday, watching my youngest child perform the show of her life at her last national competition was such a bittersweet moment....
It is a moment among many, that I thought I might never get to see....
In 1998 - my doctor thought I had Ovarian Cancer because the way the test results were going. I went into surgery a total mental wreck not knowing how my life would be changed when I woke up. I was a wreck for a month waiting for that surgery - and then through it because of the uncertainty. Ovarian Cancer is one of the nasty ones - very difficult to catch early and generally once it is detected - it is so far advanced - that survival rates were quite low at that time. I had five children who needed me - the youngest - Ashley was only 4 years old. I worried about so much and how they would all manage if this was my fate.....
Thankfully, the initial testing was WRONG and there was no cancer. But it took me several months to actually BELIEVE that and move on....
Don't get me wrong - I went into that praying and never stopped (and believe me - prayer has been a part of my life forever - so this wasn't something new....) but my prayers are always asking for the grace to deal with God's will, and hoping that God's will and mine are really very much the same....
Then - there was the whole experience Ashley had with the wrong crowd and the bad choice - that could have cost her life - back during Freshman year. God was good then again and His angels were definitely watching over her and kept her from totally crossing the line and the path from this world and the next. During those days in Intensive Care - I thought of all the "could haves" and thanked Him over and over for giving her another chance to "get it right".
And then - there was the fact that the poor kid lost BOTH grandmothers - the only grandparents she ever got to know and love - within a year of each other, when she was about 10....one lived with us - the other next door and like all their grandchildren - they loved her dearly. But all the other kids - had the "joy" of having one or more Grandmoms come to their events/games/shows. Maybe not EVERY one - but to many of them. By the time Ashley got into doing things - both Grandmoms were gone and she never got to show off for them - where most of the others did (even if only a few times).
And then, there is the uncertainty with my husband's health...he has already had two cardiac bypasses and a carotid surgery. He has diabetes that is taking the feeling from his extremities and the vision from his eyes, and perhaps some of the youth from his mind....and he is facing the potential of more by-pass surgery in the near future....I don't know how much more he can physically take before his body finally says "enough". Even though I attend each of the kids' events alone - I can tell him about it and he at least can see pictures or video of it and give them some comments. If he is gone..............
And then there is the pride that every parent feels when their child succeeds. Ashley was very blessed to have been chosen one of this year's drum majors for this 2010 season. But at times, it seemed a mixed blessing. There were respect issues to be dealt with...many days she felt certain members of the band did not respect her the same way they respected the other majors because she was not "band" but "guard". Because of that, her confidence sometimes lagged and it WAS harder for her to do what she had to do. And because she was now "more" band - there were respect issues with her beloved Guard. And not just the newbies - but some of the old members and more. She found stress in much of the season - trying hard not to let it show, working her butt off to "get it right", taking the blame when it wasn't always her fault, swallowing her words/anger/more and letting others rag on her. But she persevered. She got through it and she did what she had to do. She didn't always get to do what she wanted to do - but she did what she had to and she was PROUD that she did. As a mother - that made my heart SWELL with such pride and love and more....
My baby is growing up.....yes, she makes mistakes - and yes, there are times when she is so "on" and "right" it is scary......she has come so very far...and she still has far to grow.....
I don't minimize anyone elses feelings and emotions yesterday....for many of us - this was a chapter ending. But I revel in mine. Yes, I cried and probably looked like a fool when I couldn't even speak the words to ask a favor from a friend...but the emotions in my heart were so strong and powerful - they took over and I did lose control.
And yesterday - on that field, and on that podium - SHE WAS BEAUTIFUL!!! And I was SO very proud of her (as I always am) for those 8 magical minutes. And my tears ran free as I knew this was the last time she would do this as a performer - and the last time I would watch it with this kind of pride and emotion.
And finally - its the other kids. I do love - truly love - so many of them. This year especially, they have worked so very hard and deserved everything they got. Were they perfect yesterday? Sadly no - but they had a magical show - as often happens at nationals. Many of them cried for endings - the end of a season, the end of a high school career, maybe the end of innocence.
Some of them just cried because it is catching. ;-)
And so it is.
Even now.
So that's it - complicated me - and the reasons for my tears....
